May
15
I think I’m going to be sick
May 15, 2009 | 1 Comment
Just the other day I was walking near the White House. It was raining, and I had forgotten my umbrella as usual. Suddenly a white light shone and blinded me. I got down on my knees and then that music from the Lion in Winter started playing. A deep voice redounded, “Paul, Paul, why do you persecute me?”
“What?” I responded. “Who’s that? What are you talking about?”
“It’s me, Barack.” The music stopped – it was just coming from a passing car. And the light turned out to be a faulty overhead crane light that had switched on accidentally.
“Uh, hello, Mr. President.”
“You’re uh, kind of harsh about me in your, uh, blog.”
“Well, I just blog what I feel,” I told him. I started looking at my watch and shuffling my feet. I was late for a meeting and I didn’t know how long this awkward conversation was going to take.
“Listen man, you uh have to give me a, uh, chance. I think if we, uh, just sat down for a few minutes and, uh, dialogued, you and I could, uh, come to a better understanding.”
I hesitated. I had to be at the Heritage Foundation, and I only had an hour to nab as many beers as I could from the open bar, but I decided to take the President up on his offer. We sat down in Caribou Coffee and we, uh, dialogued.
So we talked. And that’s when it all made sense to me. The man has been unfairly judged by his critics, and if they just talked to him for a few minutes, they would understand how truly fortunate we are to have such a great man currently occupying the White House.
He told me about his life. He told me about how at the age of three he rescued a litter of kittens trapped underneath a flipped over truck. He simply lifted up the truck and freed the kittens. Not only that, but he even comforted and fed the kittens himself, although he was a bit evasive as to how exactly he fed them.
That was just the beginning of the marvelous works performed by this great man. At age ten he organized a fifth-grade science project which resulted in he and his classmates averting a global disaster by destroying an asteroid hurtling towards the Earth. This was a year before he journeyed towards the earth’s core in order to get it to start spinning again, and three years before he successfully destroyed a time-traveling android assassin composed of mimetic poly-alloy. Then he started talking about this long journey, and a ring and some weird, floating eye thingy, but I tapped my watch and told him to get on with what he wanted to say.
Simply put, Barack Obama is a man motivated by only the noblest intentions. Every night he cries himself to sleep thinking about all the pain and suffering in the world. The man’s heart is so enormous, and spending a fraction of a second in his mere presence makes you appreciate the wealth of compassion stored in the in the cockles of his heart, or at least in the sub-cockle region (liver, colon, I don’t know). He is dedicated to ridding the world of pain, suffering, disease, death, poverty, semi-poverty, overcooked meat, long lines at concession stands, delays on the Metro, war, unfair detention systems (eventually), Michael Bay, the Ohio State-Michigan rivalry, women’s basketball highlights on Sports Center, TNA, coal, natural gas, nuclear power, wind power (he assures us we can power our electric grid by the power of our good intentions), taxes, famine, and the Atlanta Braves’ division winning streak. I notified the President that the Braves’ streak ended in 2005. He replied, smiling, “That’s one.”
I am not ashamed to add that this man has a raw magnetism. At various times I found myself enraptured by his voice, like Odysseus amidst the Sirens. The raw goodness of his being just permeates him. One can almost see the goodness enveloping him like some sort of mysterious green force field. His eyes are just so generous and caring, and I lost myself staring into them, into the soul of a man who defines goodness and charity.
It was a life changing experience. Never again will I question or challenge this man. He is carrying out the will of the Lord. He is goodness and light itself.
Now of course everything I have just written is utter bullshit, except for the fact that I really did forget my umbrella the other day. On the other hand, the words below are evidently very real and will be spoken of President Obama in a few days at Notre Dame.
“At the 164th Commencement The May Exercises
The University of Notre Dame Confers the degree of
Doctor of Laws, honoris causa, on the 44th president of the United States, whose historic election opened a new era of hope in a country long divided by its history of slavery and racism. A community organizer who honed his advocacy for the poor, the marginalized and the worker in the streets of Chicago, he now organizes a larger community, bringing to the world stage a renewed American dedication to diplomacy and dialogue with all nations and religions committed to human rights and the global common good. Through his willingness to engage with those who disagree with him and encourage people of faith to bring their beliefs to the public debate, he is inspiring this nation to heal its divisions of religion, culture, race and politics in the audacious hope for a brighter tomorrow.
On Barack H. Obama, Washington, District of Columbia”
Somehow I think what I wrote was less fawning.
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[...] he has been in office. From Bloomberg.com : “President Barack Obama , calling current deficit I think I’m going to be sick – crankycon.politicalbear.com 05/15/2009 Just the other day I was walking near the White House. [...]