Oct
22
Pass the butane
October 22, 2009 | 4 Comments
We are now one step closer to the World Series from hell. One more Yankees win in the ALCS means that Mets fans will face the ultimate dilemma: root for the Yankees, or root for the Phillies. It’s of course possible that we might avoid this nightmare – I mean it’s not like the Yanks have failed to seal the deal before when they were one win from the World Series. However, with the umps and their $200 million payroll at their disposal, that is unlikely.
Jason Fry makes a pretty compelling argument that we should root for the Phillies.
My friends, there is another evil loose in our nation, one that makes the misdeeds of our league-mates in maroon look small. We have a greater enemy, and a higher calling. This greater enemy gilds all that it touches in gold, then scorns those who can afford only brass. This greater enemy gathers mercenaries and reprobates and evildoers to its banner, and declares them paragons. This greater enemy declares that pitchers shall not hit. This greater enemy conflates arrogance with tradition, and bequeathed wealth with hard-earned success. This greater enemy is attended by a howling mob that knows neither reason nor humility nor decency.
This greater enemy cares not for our disagreements and disputes, real though they are. Twenty-six times has this foe bred a vile plague, one that reduced our nation to lifelessness and blighted all that we hold dear. Though we are not allowed to fight, neither are we required to adjourn in silence. We must lift our voices against tyranny, though we would have chosen most any other champion. We must shout down injustice, though our voices cannot conjure fairness. We must oppose a great evil even if it means supporting a paltry good. We have been called, and however reluctantly, we must answer. It has fallen to us to do what must be done, and to heed a summons we would pretend not to hear.
My friends, this too will pass, and the banner of the blue and orange will fly once again in triumph. I eagerly await that day, and the restoration of all that is just and proper. As do all of you. But for now, we must serve a more difficult cause, and we must do so with all we can wring from our reluctant hearts. This is necessity. This is obligation. This is duty.
My friends, the conflict we wish had never come to pass is upon us now. Join with me. Say the words we would rather bite back. Say them firmly, and clearly, with loud voices, though none of us possesses a glad heart. Say them with me now, and we will face these difficult days together.
ICH BIN EIN PHILLIE.
Yeah, that and the fact that this is the most egregious example yet of a team buying a pennant, and we’ve got reason to root for the Phillies.
On the other hand, there is a compelling reason to root for the Evil Empire. Actually three: Shane Victorino, Jimmy Rollins, and Jayson Stark.
You might understand the Victorino and Rollins rationale . After all, they are both obnoxious, overrated punks that the media fawn over – the same media that consider Jose Reyes an immature crapweasel for engaging in celebrations that are mild compared to these two idiots.
But why Stark? Because he writes drek like this. Since I love my readers, I won’t subject them to any of Stark’s rumblings or grumblings. If you have the stomach for it, feel free to click on the link. I can pretty much summarize Stark’s column thusly: The marvelous and gritty Philadelphia Phillies are seven shades of gritty awesome. Their collective hearts are so big that they are visible from space. I love them. I love them so much I think I’m getting all tingly inside. Did I mention that they were gritty?
Yeah, so we’re pretty much screwed either way. Either we’re going to be subjected to the canonization of Derek Jeter for hoisting a fifth World Series trophy, along with the repeated replaying of John Sterling saying “Ball game over! World Series over! Humanity as we know it over! Yankees win! Theeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee Yankees win!” (And then of course there will be the added bonus of Suzyn Waldman screeching in the background.) Or we will have to endure a 300,000 word column from Jayson Stark declaring this Phillies team the grittiest bunch of gritters to ever grit their way to a world championship.
Oh, for the love of all that is good and holy in this world, please let the Los Angeles Anaheim Angels of the United States of the Milky Way Galaxy win three games in a row. Mike Scioscia, a nation turns its weary eyes to you and your team.
Comments
4 Comments so far
Hey, we already swept the Red Sox. Two insufferably annoying Northeast teams anointed by ESPN is a tall order.
(Go Phils!)
Dude, root for the Phillies, if not for their own sake, then for the sake of me dear old dad. Can you imagine what solace to the heart it is for the good man to see his Phils looking good in the series not once, but TWICE in a row?
That way, you’re not actually rooting for Philadelpia, if that’s too odious for you. It’s all for the sake of my dad, and that’s a cause everyone can get behind.
CrankyCon
I thought you must be exaggerating Jayson Stark’s horrible prose. I just read his account of last night’s game. I’ll never doubt you again.